Charlie Brown: Uncensored (The Exclusive, Lost Interview!)

This is the official 2007 booking photo that was taken shortly after Brown's arrest at the trendy Las Vegas nightclub "Spit". The black eye and five o'clock shadow are firm indications that the TV icon has become the latest Hollywood casualty.© "The Raven"

How Booze and Jealousy Nearly Destroyed An American Icon

This "interview" was posted because the country is in an extremely tense state. With mail bombs being sent to elected officials and high profile figures, growing angst over the midterm elections and increasing racial tensions, I felt it was crucially important to use this site to also draw attention away from these unfortunate situations, if only for a few minutes. The best way to do that....is through laughter. I hope those of you who read this will be kind enough to share it so that others can take a few minutes to laugh as well. Stay cool....stay safe....and stay informed.  

G-Man  

It was more than 40 years ago that Charles Schulz created a lovable group of characters known as the “Peanuts”. Linus, Lucy, Schroder, Sally and Snoopy have become staples of American culture, and millions of adults worldwide have grown up watching many of their classics episodes. Moreover, several members of the gang have gone on to enjoy successful careers in various fields. Case in point, Snoopy, arguably the most talented of the group, inked a long-term contact with MetLife, one of the leading insurance companies in the country. News agencies have reported that the beloved Beagle earned a cool $40 million in the deal, but there is nothing on record to substantiate these claims. Sadly, fate has not been as kind to the unsung leader and soul of the Peanuts group, the beloved Charlie Brown.

On October 16, 2007, Brown, along with Shaggy and Fred from the “Scooby-Doo” series, was arrested for allegedly assaulting a bouncer at the trendy Las Vegas nightclub “Spit”. On September 29, 2007, Brown was arrested by police officers in Los Angeles County for suspected DWI. He was booked, released and later sentenced to 30 hours of community service by Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Alan Shore. In August 2007, he became the subject of tabloid cover stories after TMZ reported that he threw his iPhone at a desk clerk during a heated exchange in a Beverly Hills hotel. The clerk received 12 stitches to close the wound, as well as financial compensation from Brown. Terms of the settlement were not made available to the public.

The Peanuts icon has experienced a great deal of negative publicity in recent months. To his credit, he has finally decided to come forward and address the allegations and offer explanations regarding his questionable behavior. An avid reader of this news and information site, Brown contacted creator and managing editor Gary Glennell Toms, also known and "The G-Man", in March of 2009 and requested this no-holds-barred interview. Due to his strained relationship with the media, this was the only interview Brown granted and allowed to be published.

Warning: Some segments of the interview contain strong language.

G-Man: It is an honor, Mr. Brown.

CB: You can call me "C," man. No need to be formal.

G-Man: Okay.

CB: Before we get started, I just want to say you kick major ass in your articles. I never miss one. That interview you did with that Dr. Morse guy, about bioterrorism attacks, was some intense shit! Made me go out and get that gas mask the doc was talking about. Those damn terrorists won’t catch old "C" with his guard down. Know what I mean?

G-Man: Yes, I do.

CB: Fire away with the questions, dude! I’m ready.

G-Man: I want to start by asking you about the incident at “Spit”. The hospital spokesperson said that the bouncer sustained some very serious injuries. What happened?

At this point, an attorney representing Brown, who was seated a few feet away from the TV icon, intervened.

Attorney: I’m sorry, but because of the pending investigation my client cannot comment on the specifics of the case at this time.

CB: (Smiling) Sucks, right?

G-Man: I understand. Let’s move on. (Pause) You have a pending court date in November to answer charges involving a DWI incident in Los Angeles. Were you drunk when you got behind the wheel of your Shelby Mustang?

CB: I had one fucking beer! One!! I wasn’t "Celebrity Rehab" drunk! It’s not like I was driving over the damn paparazzi or anything. I had a nice buzz going, but I wasn’t drunk. The officers said I was drunk and didn’t even bother to give me a Breathalyzer test. Doesn’t that seem strange to you? It’s all bullshit, G-Man. The cops rode me as hard as they did because I made a stupid comment about Jews when they put me in the back seat of the patrol car. One of them happened to be Jewish. Who knew? I intend to fight the charges. That’s all I care to say about it.

G-Man: This is one of many controversies you’ve been embroiled in. You’re also accused of assault during an argument that took place at a Beverly Hills hotel. You threw your iPhone at the desk clerk simply because he didn’t refer to you by name. What did he call you?

CB: (Enraged) He called me a blockhead! Who the hell is he to call me that!? Oh, he though it was real funny…. until I popped him in his fucking head. Do you have any idea how many times that little bitch Lucy called me that over a 40-year period!? Huh!? A person can get a little sick and tired of that! He pissed me off! He doesn’t have any idea who I really am. He doesn’t know C! That pencil-necked punk is lucky I hit him with just my iPhone!

G-Man: You eventually offered financial compensation to the clerk. How much did you give him?

CB: I can’t say. Let’s just say I won’t have a judge ordering me to give up my watch, as was the case with that dumb ass O.J. Simpson. That guy just doesn’t have a clue.

G-Man: I sense an enormous amount of anger, bitterness and resentment in your responses. Am I wrong?

CB: I’d say you were dead on. Yeah, I’m pretty angry these days.

G-Man: Why?

CB: Where do you want me to start?

G-Man: Wherever you wish.

Brown takes a box of Marlboro cigarettes from his jacket pocket. He taps the box three times, removes the plastic wrapping and begins to open the carton.

CB: G-Man. Do you watch the show “Friends”?

G-Man: I have on occasion. Why?

Brown lights his cigarette and exhales the smoke.

CB: You’re a journalist, so I’m sure you know all about the residual deal they got once the show ended. Anniston, Cox, LeBlanc and the rest of them won’t ever have to work another day in their lives, thanks to syndication. They have so much money that it isn’t funny. Now, I’ve been on TV for what…. over 40 years? No checks are coming to my fucking house!! It’s not right. The Peanuts are an American institution! Fuck Friends!! They put 10 years in on their stupid show. What’s 10 years compared to 40? It’s just not right that my cast members and I have to live paycheck to paycheck these days by making 10-minute guest appearances at K-Mart and Target. Do you have any idea how this makes me feel? If not, let me give you an example. Remember the Halloween episode where we went trick or treating? Lucy, Linus and the others got candy. All I got was a damn rock in my bag! That’s how I feel today. Yeah! You’re damn right I’m angry!

G-Man: Hold on, hold on! You’re the only one that seems to be complaining about this. Other Peanuts members are doing quite well, nowadays. Schroder has been opening in Vegas for Wayne Newton for the last 15 years. Pig-Pen is the co-creator of “Oxy-Clean”. Sally has a recurring role on “Law and Order, SVU” and Snoopy….

CB: (With tears in his eyes) Snoopy? Snoopy!? Man’s best friend my ass. He’s a damn sellout! He wouldn’t have a MetLife deal if it wasn’t for Charlie Brown! I made him! Now that stupid-ass beagle won’t even take my damn calls! Where’s the loyalty, G-Man!? C’mon, tell me!! Where’s the love, bro'!?

Brown take another drag, blows smoke and promptly puts the cigarette out in an ashtray.

G-Man: Speaking of cast members, you caused a major uproar in the gay community back in May of 2008 by outing one of your cast members while on the set of “Deal or No Deal, Charlie Brown!” You allegedly called Peppermint Pattie “a butch” and confessed to doing so a few weeks later.

CB: I did use the “b” word, G-Man, and I’m sorry I did. It was a stupid thing to say and I deeply regret it. I really don’t know where all that came from. I received counseling, and I’m currently working with gay organizations to promote tolerance and awareness regarding gay issues. I’ve learned from the experience and I’ve moved on.

G-Man: Let’s discuss something of a more personal nature. I want to talk about the little “Red-Haired Girl”. You’ve been in love with her for many years.

Brown’s eyes become fixed and tense.

CB: Yes, I did love her very much. Well, until I found out she was a two-bit, trailer park slut. Did you ever notice how high up her dress was? Watch a few of the old episodes and you’ll see what I’m talking about. She’s been with George Clooney, Adam Sandler, Dick Cheney, Jerry Springer, Mike Tyson and God knows who else. Dude! You know what we called her on the set? We called her the doorknob…. because everybody took a turn!

G-Man: I’d like to ask you about a public comment she made last week.

CB: Okay, go ahead.

G-Man: In a recent appearance on “The View”, she told Barbra Walters that the reason she spurned you’re advances, particularly during your adult years, was because you suffer from erectile dysfunction.

Brown’s eyes remain fixed and tense. He reaches for his Marlboros and says nothing.

G-Man: Do you care to comment?

Brown lights another cigarette and exhales.

CB: Do I care to comment? (Laughs) Do…. I…. care…. to…comment? (Pause) Let me say this much. You know Halle Berry had a baby, right? Enough said.

G-Man: Are you implying…?

CB: (Blowing smoke) You’re a smart man. Figure it out.

G-Man: (Pause) As you’re well aware, a great deal of controversy was generated after “A Charlie Brown Christmas” aired on network television. There was one scene in particular, which I’m sure you’re familiar with.

Brown’s eyes begin to tear. He takes a long drag from the cigarette and wipes his eyes.

CB: I know where this train is going. Go on, G-Man.

G-Man: (Solemnly) It’s the scene where you and Linus return from your Christmas tree search with this pitiful excuse for a tree. It was terribly thin. You placed a huge bulb on it and the tree slumped over, as though it was dead. You exclaimed, “Oh no, I’ve killed it!” Last week, on “60 Minutes”, the director of that episode revealed that you did kill the tree by placing an actual bulb on it instead of a plastic prop.

CB: (Wiping tears away) Yes, I did.

G-Man: (Solemnly) Take us back to that horrific moment. What were you feeling?

Brown puts the cigarette out in the ashtray.

CB: (Blowing smoke) Oh, man! I was inconsolable. Those environmental groups were all over my ass. Damn tree-huggers. They picketed the studio for weeks. CBS wanted my head on a fucking platter, and the tension with my cast members got worse. I was so distraught I was showing up on set drunk as hell. It was a really bad situation. What saved me was the fact that one of the writers reworked the script. The new script called for Linus to wrap his blanket around the tree in order to give it more support. We did a three-day re-shoot of that scene, which ended up saving the episode and making the brass at CBS very happy.

G-Man: My next question is one that many, many people have begged me, via email, to ask you. The Peanuts characters spoke very clearly, but the adults always spoke in a “Wha-wha-wha” type language. Why?

CB: That question is thrown at me all the time during my K-Mart appearances. Here’s the answer. The dialogue was sent up that way because it illustrated the point that kids often don’t understand adults or what they say. Some suggest, because the episodes premiered in the 60’s, that it made reference to the parents being stoned and were not able to communicate with the kids. While the latter explanation is plausible, I really don’t think that was the point my man “Schultzy” was trying to get across. God rest his soul.

G-Man: What’s next for Charlie Brown?

CB: I’m trying hard to clean myself up. I don’t want to end up like so many of the current Hollywood stars. They are completely out of control, and I almost fell into the trap myself with all the partying, boozing, whoring and jealousy. I admit I still have issues to work out regarding residuals, my dog and not being able to kick that damn football whenever Lucy holds it, but I’m sure I can get back to the person I used to be. Remember, it’s not how you start the race; it’s how you finish.

Brown’s iPhone rings.

CB: Excuse me a moment, G-Man. Hello? Hey! How are you? Long time no… Uh-huh. Yeah. Great! I’ll see you in a half hour. Okay, bye.

G-Man: Wow! You sure seem happy.

CB: Snoopy and Woodstock just invited me over to have dinner and watch “American Idol”! How cool is that?