Thursday, August 20, 2009

Whitney Houston Deserves Support!

Damn the Demons and Doubters

Miss Houston,

I'm sure you’ve never heard of me, but that’s okay. I’m best known for news reporting and issuing literary ass-kickings to those who deserve them. However, fear not. This latest installment of “From The G-Man” will not be targeting the woman I've longed considered to be “the voice” of the music industry for the last 20 years. The sole purpose of this article is to show my unwavering support for you and your valiant effort to reclaim your rightful place among music's elite.

Much has been said about you and your alleged battle with drug addiction. “Mad TV” and some of the greatest comedians in the world have made you the butt of jokes. The G-Man never thought the jokes were funny and often wondered if these dicks would have the nerve to humiliate their drug-addicted grandparents, mothers, fathers, sisters or brothers in a public forum. I seriously doubt it. Tabloids like the Enquirer, the Globe and the Star, which would be better suited for ass wiping, had a field day plastering photos of you that, shall we say, showed you tore up from the floor up. It wasn’t the Whitney Houston we grew accustomed to, and it shocked the hell out of us.

Now, as you fight to regain respect and recognition among your peers and fans, the demons and doubters will be lying in wait. They’ll be foaming at the mouth and waiting to attack you like the rabid, nasty and vicious hell dwellers that they are. You know who they are, and they will not stop once they suspect you have failed in your bid. I may get into trouble for what I’m about to say, but that’s the norm for me. I’m going to put it out there anyway. There are people out there predicting that you will become the next Billie Holiday or Janis Joplin! It’s sad to say that, but based on the numerous public and twisted conversations I’ve heard, it’s the truth!

There is a great deal riding on the release of your new CD, and the demons and doubters know it. They’re laughing as the clock ticks down to the release date. If you ever were under the influence of controlled substances, you may have heard their ghoulish wails radiating from the depths of hell many times before, Miss Houston. “We own your soul, bitch! You have nothing! You are a slave to us! Kneel and proclaim us your true master!” Well, The G-Man worries that if CD sales are not brisk or off the charts, disappointment and the fear of failure may seize control of your, heart, mind, body and soul.

The minute “I Look To You” shows signs of slumping on the charts, demons and doubters will say you don’t have it anymore. The demons and doubters will say you’re a crackhead. The demons and doubters will say you aren’t worth a bucket of piss as an artist. The demons and doubters will say your marriage was a major reason for your downfall. Please, pay them no mind! Just take a deep breath, look deeply into Bobbi Christina's eyes and hold her tightly. The G-Man will be rooting for you the entire time. I’m sure millions of other fans will be, too.

No matter what the sales numbers reflect, I beg of you, do not let the demons and doubters have the victory. Fight not just for yourself, but also for your daughter's sake. That's all that matters. Everything else is bullshit. You’ve taken a monumental step toward solidifying your diva status in an industry that has chosen to pit you against a perennially, half-naked songbird - yes, I'm calling you out Mariah Carey - and twat-twisting, teenage singers that make Ashley Simpson look like Barbara Streisand.

We need you to remind the masses what real, God-given, musical talent really is. Bring the diva back to us. Stay strong in the face of potential ridicule and prove all the evil bastards wrong. If you can manage to do these things, The G-Man guarantees…. we'll look to you. By the way, if you need a date for the Grammys this year, I'm available.

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