A "From The G-Man" Exclusive
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By Ventae Parrow
Whenever I reflect on my childhood, one thing is abundantly clear. I never learned how to distinguish between what was appropriate and inappropriate. Sex was no exception. I walked in on my father and mother having sex more than once, which was my first recollection of how sex looked and sounded.
My first sexual encounter, which was oral, was forced upon me by my teenage babysitter. I was around three or five-years-old. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, it felt great. However, the situation scared me so much that I didn’t tell my parents.
Eventually, I gained some knowledge about sex from sex education classes. I also developed some outlandish and unhealthy ideas about sex by viewing porn, looking through sex magazines and listening to exaggerated discussions from boys and girls who were just as ignorant about sex as I was.
My “period of darkness” began when I started experimenting, strangely enough, with my cousins. The sex we engaged in was primarily based on what we saw in the pornos. I'm almost certain that I was around 11 or 13 when I first began to masturbate, and the aforementioned incidents all played crucial roles in developing my sexual appetite.
I was quiet and somewhat shy in my youth, but I used to attract a lot of girls and women. I was way ahead of my time because I was sexually involved with women long before I was able to ejaculate. I suspect this was due to the fact that I was constantly being molested.
I know for a fact that being molested by boys and girls (including my cousins), men and women contributed to my behavior, which bordered on the extreme. I've also come to realize that by sexually assaulting my female cousins, I made them so uncomfortable that our relationships became and remain strained.
I can say, quite confidently, that every sexual experience I had as a youngster and teen was beyond unhealthy. Currently, I'm in the healthiest relationship that I've ever been in, and I am very proud to say that I have been with my fiancée for almost 10 years. I constantly fantasize about making love to her in different countries. We’re always on sandy beaches next to beautiful bodies of clear-blue water. I’m no longer the guy that used to fantasize about having sex with multiple women at the same time, having sex in public without getting caught, or having sex with female celebrities and porn stars.
Thankfully, the sexual experiences that I'm having today are very healthy because we're in a committed relationship and everything we do is consensual. I no longer have abnormal fantasies concerning sex, and I'm sure the fantasies I have now would be considered boring or tame by those trapped in the world of sexual addiction and perversion. I recognize how my life was – and always will be to some extent – influenced and negatively impacted by all the physical, verbal, and sexual abuse I've experienced.
I've noticed a pattern where I have victimized others throughout periods of my life, and I'm not making these revelations to justify or minimize my behavior. I'm at peace with my Creator, as well as myself, as far as the sins I've committed against Him and humanity are concerned. I have repented, turned away from, and accepted full responsibility for my actions. I was victimized by family members and strangers, and I candidly admit that I'm guilty of attempting to normalize behaviors that were wrong.
I'm still haunted by things so-called loved ones said to me when I was just a boy. "If you don't beat him up, I'm going to whoop your ass," said one. "You'll be dead before you turn 11", said another. "You better fuck the shit out of her… or I'm going to fuck the shit out of you", another screamed. However, no statement has haunted me more than… "Real men don't cry, so don't be crying like a bitch when you fight or are getting a whooping".
Indeed, dysfunctional people and traumatic events played pivotal roles in influencing my offensive behavior. Still, I'm mature and honest enough to admit that it probably wouldn't have mattered if I’d been victimized or not. Why do I say this? It’s largely because of the fact that I was involved in criminal activities and living an illegal life style as a gang member. I’ll even go as far as to say that all the abuse I suffered made it very difficult for me to show sympathy, empathy or remorse toward people, especially those I victimized. I truly believe this mindset helped create the “I don’t give a fuck attitude!” I displayed as a child and young man. Moreover, this mode of thinking made it easier for me to commit offenses and justify my deviant behavior.
I no longer indulge in sexually explicit content and have become actively engaged in the battle to end sexual abuse on a number of levels. Yes, I’m a registered sex offender. I served seven years in prison for my crimes, but I now spend each day as a servant of God and proud representative of EXPO (EX-Prisoners Organizing). My mission is twofold: to help young people and adults that have been severely impacted by physical and/or sexual abuse, and to teach them the importance of living a healthy, productive and stable lifestyle.
Photo credit: Ventae Parrow